Perhaps I shouldn’t admit this, but I’ve seen all four American Pie movies created through 2005. I liked the 1999 original, which I described as “a pretty funny and entertaining film”. Matters declined for 2001’s American Pie 2. It sold more tickets but was less satisfying. I viewed it “as a pale imitation of the first that recapitulated that flick’s more extreme moments but omitted any of its heart or character.”

Did the situation improve with 2003’s American Wedding? Nope. I never reviewed that one, but I saw it theatrically and felt it was just as flawed as Pie 2. Puerile, idiotic and unfunny, the movie failed to remind us why we ever liked the original Pie in the first place. 2005 brought American Pie Presents Band Camp, a direct-to-video spin-off that involved almost no members of the original cast. I said that it “represents the absolute nadir of the series. It presents nothing creative or amusing, as it simply exploits crassness without any redeeming qualities.”

Given the diminished returns I found with each successive Pie flick, why in the world am I bothering to watch and review 2006’s American Pie Presents The Naked Mile? Simple: I’m a man who likes to look at hot naked women, and the trailer promised lots of that sort of footage. Will this direct-to-video effort live up to those expectations? Read on and see!

Mile introduces us to yet another Stifler boy: high school senior Erik (John White), the cousin of Steve from the first three flicks and Matt from Band Camp. He’s not a rowdy party boy ala the others. Instead, he’s awkward and insecure, though he still gets a cute girlfriend named Tracy (Jessy Schram).

She won’t put out, though, which leaves Erik a virgin, sexually frustrated and feeling like a disgrace to the Stifler name. Tracy almost puts out, but when this goes horribly awry, she decides she still wants to wait to have sex. Feeling selfish, however, she gives Erik a “guilt-free pass” to do what he wants when he goes to the Naked Mile weekend at the University of Michigan. Erik heads there with buddies Ryan (Ross Thomas) and Cooze (Jake Siegel). The movie follows their partying with Erik’s cousin Dwight (Steve Talley) as our hero decides whether he should redeem his pass.

Every Pie movie reminds us of the series’ smutty tone early, and each one tries to start with a memorable scene. In the case of Mile, the franchise reaches an all-time low. Here Erik jerks off when his parents take his grandma to brunch. However, they return early and catch him in the act. Not only do they see an exposed Erik, but also he spurts all over his parents and grandmother. The shock of this event kills the elderly lady.

That’s what passes for comedy these days? But Mile doesn’t stop there. We also find scenes in which:

---Erik hides from Tracy’s dad but his farts alert the paternal figure to his presence;

---Erik craps in a clothes dryer;

---Erik pisses out the window of a moving car and onto Cooze;

---A really drunk college kid pukes all over a hot coed; and

---Cooze and Ryan compete to show who has the strongest boner and Cooze spooges all over the crowd.

I could continue, but simply typing these atrocities makes me want to sterilize my keyboard. I don’t think my computer will forgive me for inputting so much dreadful smut.

Mile also bizarrely decides to derive much of its “humor” from a fraternity of little people. It tries to explain this wildly improbable concept but really just uses the vertically-challenged as a gimmick. And not a very good gimmick at that, as they serve to provide extremely cheap jokes and nothing more.

I suppose it should count for something that Erik isn’t just another Steve clone. Erik decides to be his own kind of Stifler and eventually learns that he doesn’t need to emulate the family code of crassness. I guess this counts as progress, though it means the movie has even less connection to the original than usual. Is a Stifler who doesn’t act like a Stifler really a Stifler? No, not really. Erik is just like any other generic teen movie nice guy; there’s no reason for him to be a Stifler, and there’s no attachment to the first flick at all.

Though we do find yet another appearance from Eugene Levy. As I’ve noted in the past, I adore SCTV and find it hard to criticize any of its alumni. That said, Levy is working hard to earn my disdain. Apparently he’ll take any job for a paycheck, and his continued involvement in the Pie flicks makes less and less sense with each new “adventure”. Mile stretches credulity to an extreme to fit him into this movie. Maybe the filmmakers know they’re pushing the limits beyond any form of logic and they’re winking at us with Levy’s appearance, but I don’t get that sense.

To acknowledge that form of self-mocking would be to believe that anyone involved with Mile spent more than 27 seconds thinking about its content. I can’t accept that, as this misbegotten mishmash of moronic misbehavior always feels cheap, easy and idiotic. Incredibly disjointed, it throws out a mix of fairly unrelated gags and goes when it wants to pursue laughs. Never coherent, logical or even remotely funny, this is simply terrible filmmaking.

Footnote: I suppose I should discuss the nudity quotient since I alluded to that at the start. The actual naked mile sequence displays copious amounts of T&A, and unlike Band Camp, it features a little female full-frontal nudity. One short scene of women in swim caps and goggles pops up during the Mile itself, though the flick usually goes out of its way to hide the nethers; most segments find creative ways to cover the lower regions. We also see a totally nude girl in the high school showers. So there’s your skin tally! It’s not enough to compensate for the misery provided by the rest of the film.

American Pie Presents The Naked Mile appears in an aspect ratio of approximately 1.85:1 on this single-sided, double-layered DVD; the image has been enhanced for 16X9 televisions. Though not spectacular, this was a perfectly satisfactory transfer.

Colors usually came across well. A few scenes displayed slightly mushy tones, but the majority of the movie offered nicely delineated and bright hues. Blacks seemed dark and full, while shadows were reasonably smooth. Some interiors came across as a bit dense, but those instances weren’t problematic.

For the most part, sharpness seemed fine. Occasionally I thought the image was a little ill-defined, especially in some wider shots. Still, the flick was usually accurate and concise. I noticed no jagged edges or shimmering, and edge enhancement was minor. No source flaws marred the presentation. While the visuals rarely excelled, they always remained satisfying.

Similar thoughts greeted the Dolby Digital 5.1 soundtrack of Naked Mile. Examine the audio of pretty much every other comedy of this sort and you’ll know what to expect from the soundfield. It was a front-heavy affair that usually didn’t offer much more than general ambience. However, the band performance sequences added a little more zest than usual, and they filled out the spectrum well. Just don’t expect action-movie material from this restrained mix.

No issues with audio quality occurred. Speech was consistently distinct and concise, and I detected no problems with edginess or intelligibility. Effects played a minor role and never taxed the system. They displayed decent accuracy, though. Music was a more prominent participant. The track boasted good life and definition to the various tunes, as those showed solid clarity and depth. This was an unexceptional soundtrack, but it was good for this sort of film.

A mix of extras rounds out this DVD. We start with an audio commentary from director Joe Nussbaum, writer Erik Lindsay and actors Steve Talley, Jake Siegel, John White and Ross Thomas. All six sit together for this running, screen-specific discussion. The chat looks at casting, characters and performances, locations and connected issues, the script’s development and real-life inspirations, and various technical challenges.

Don’t expect a particularly serious commentary. Though not as chaotic as I worried it would become, the track can be a bit disjointed at times, especially as it progresses. Apparently the participants imbibed while the watched, so they get rowdier as the movie continues. Overall, the commentary doesn’t tell us a whole lot, but it’s a painless experience.

A featurette entitled The Yoga Guide to Getting Girls fills three minutes, 38 seconds. Jessy Schram acts in character as Tracy. She narrates as we watch a luckless loser try to pick up yoga babes. It’s meant for laughs but doesn’t achieve them.

The Bare Essentials goes for four minutes, 24 seconds as it looks at how some of the male cast members prepared for their nude scenes. That’s right – no naked women appear here, so it’s worthless for any thrill value. Instead, we see nauseating sequences such as guys getting their asses waxed. Ugh.

Eight Deleted and Extended Scenes appear. The whole set lasts six minutes and seven seconds. These offer some scene extensions and minor character bits. Nothing particularly memorable pops up here.

Up next we get two minutes and 42 seconds of Outtakes. It includes nothing more than the standard goof-ups and giggles.

Little People, Big Stunts lasts six minutes, 56 seconds. We get notes from Nussbaum, Lindsay, White, producer Keith Border, and actors Jordan Prentice and Mika Winkler. The program looks at the movie’s depiction of “Little People” and their work in the flick. We get some decent behind the scenes shots, but this comes across more as a self-congratulatory discussion of the film’s depiction of “LPs”.

For the final featurette, we find the 16-minute and 50-second Life on The Naked Mile. It features Nussbaum, Lindsay, Schram, White, Siegel, Border, Talley, and actors Daniel Petronijevic, and Christopher McDonald. The piece discusses the story along with various aspects of the shoot. There’s enough female nudity to make the behind the scenes elements compelling, but don’t expect a lot of useful information otherwise.

The DVD opens with some ads. We get promos for Saturday Night Live Season One, The Office, Universal HD-DVD, Hot Fuzz and Balls of Fury.

For the fifth installation in the American Pie series, we get a real stinker. The Naked Mile suffers from a surfeit of flaws and very few positives. The DVD gives us decent to good picture and audio along with fairly mediocre extras. Unless you’re absolutely obsessed with the world of American Pie, skip this dreadful film.