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Fred Olen Ray
Beverly Lynne, Monique Parent, Charlie Laine, Nicole Sheridan, Christine Nguyen, Voodoo, Syren, Evan Stone
Writing Credits:

The girls from the sexiest spy agency on the planet are back for more saucy adventures as they get uncovered and sniff out plots of espionage and deceit.

Rated NR

Fullscreen 1.33:1
English Dolby Surround 2.0
Not Closed-captioned
Supplements Subtitles:

Runtime: 76 min.
Price: $14.98
Release Date: 1/20/2009

• Blooper Reel


Panasonic 50" TH-50PZ77U 1080p Plasma Monitor; Harman/Kardon DPR 2005 7.1 Channel Receiver; Toshiba A-30 HD-DVD/1080p Upconverting DVD Player using HDMI outputs; Michael Green Revolution Cinema 6i Speakers (all five); Kenwood 1050SW 150-watt Subwoofer.


Bikini Royale (2008)

Reviewed by Colin Jacobson (January 16, 2009)

It’s good to know some things never change. Back in my youth, Cinemax would run lots of cheesy movies that served little purpose other than to provide lots of hot naked women – and God help me, I loved them for that. I guess that situation remains the same, as 2008’s Bikini Royale debuted as a “straight to cable” production on Cinemax, and it certainly lives up to the babefests I recall from my younger days.

Apparently something of a sequel to 2007’s The Girl from BIKINI, Royale follows Tanya X (Beverly Lynne), an agent with the Bureau of International Knowledge and Nonstandard Investigations (BIKINI). She’s assigned to spy on wealthy Parker Savage (Evan Stone), and this means she wants to infiltrate his high stakes poker game since plenty of shady characters will be there. Included among these are representatives of evil genius Dr. Nyet (Monique Parent). Tanya has to follow the trail of secret documents at the game to ensure they don’t fall into the wrong hands.

When I requested Royale, I did so mostly because I figured I wouldn’t have anything better to review in mid-January. That’s a dead time for the DVD release schedule, so I thought I’d give it a shot. I expected little from it, as I expected a lame movie with a little T&A but nothing special.

In regard to the latter, I was wrong - really wrong. Based on my teen/young adult memories, “Skinemax” movies like this gave us decent amounts of boobs and butts but failed to deliver more revealing shots. Royale doesn’t fall into that category, as it offers copious amounts of full nudity.

I knew I was in for something more intense than expected right from the start. During the first scene, Tanya spies on a hot Latin lady as she pleasures herself in the shower. Right after that, Tanya gets naked too and they, um, enjoy each other’s company. I won’t lie: I was hooked. Plenty more scenes of this sort occupy the rest of the movie, so in terms of nudity and erotic action, Royale satisfies.

Well, it satisfies me, at least. If you want hardcore action, you won’t be as happy. Sure, Royale provides sex scenes, but they’re not graphic; you don’t see part “A” inserted into slot “B”, or whatever. If you want that kind of footage, you have to look elsewhere.

As for me, I like the film’s presentation of hard “R” material. I don’t particularly want to see graphic sex, but I like something more daring than just the boobs and butts I originally expected. Royale shows lots of good skin and seems very pleasing from that standpoint.

If we forget about the nudity, does it succeed as a movie? Nope. Obviously it uses the Bond flick Casino Royale as its direct inspiration, but that doesn’t mean it creates a successful parody. The plot makes very little sense – not that it matters. The story exists to get various characters into sex scenes, and that’s it.

If that’s good enough for you, you’ll like Royale. The plot goes nowhere and is never clever or funny. The acting ranges from decent – despite his steroid-abuser exterior, Stone shows mild talent – to terrible. Most of the actresses do little more than lift their eyebrows to “act”; most are hot – I especially like Charlie Laine – but not a one of them has any acting skill.

But Bikini Royale never purports to be a real movie, so none of this matters a whole lot. If you desire any interesting tale, you’ll not find it here. If you desire some interesting tail, you’ll be very happy with the film. It’s cheap and cheesy, but it delivers the requisite female nudity.

The DVD Grades: Picture C-/ Audio C-/ Bonus D-

Bikini Royale appears in an aspect ratio of 1.33:1 on this single-sided, single-layered DVD; due to those dimensions, the image has not been enhanced for 16X9 televisions. I’m surprised to find a 1.33:1 production these days – even one as cheap as Royale. The visuals were watchable but not better than that.

Sharpness varied. The image suffered from a fair amount of jagged edges and shimmering, and it tended to be a bit blocky. Definition usually was decent, especially since most of the movie tended to go with close-ups; we didn’t get a whole lot of wide shots. Nonetheless, clarity was mediocre for the most part. No source flaws materialized, though the image seemed somewhat grainy at times.

Colors actually fared reasonably well. The movie featured a bright, natural palette that sometimes allowed the hues to succeed. However, the tones could also come across as heavy and runny, so they weren’t terribly consistent. Blacks were fairly dark, while shadows were acceptable. The movie didn’t feature many low-light shots, but these tended to be somewhat murky. Overall, the image was passable but not better than a “C-“.

Don’t expect more from the Dolby Surround 2.0 soundtrack of Bikini Royale. Actually, it’s a bit of a stretch to refer to this as a multi-channel mix. The majority of the material remained monaural; the side speakers opened up with mediocre stereo music and a few very minor environmental elements. If the surrounds did anything more than add modest support, I didn’t notice it. Overall, the track felt monaural the majority of the time.

Audio quality was passable. Speech seemed a little thin but was usually fairly natural, and the lines remained intelligible. Effects were a minor aspect of the track and all appeared to come straight from the original shoot. That meant these elements remained flat and without much range. Music was the best part of the track, but it wasn’t special either. The score sounded somewhat bland and didn’t present great dimensionality. In the end, this was a drab soundtrack.

Only one extra appears here: a blooper reel. This two-minute and 47-second clip consists of the usual mix of goof-ups and nonsense. If it included more skin, I’d endorse it. Unfortunately, the actresses remain clothed, so it’s a waste of time.

If you want a fun Bond parody, you’ll not find it in Bikini Royale, as it’s a witless, poorly acted affair. If you want to see some hot hard-“R” sex scenes and lots of sexy naked women, then Bikini Royale will satisfy you. The DVD provides mediocre picture and audio as well as scanty extras. In no way can I call this a good movie or a strong DVD, but I thought all the good nudity made this an entertaining program.

Viewer Film Ratings: 3.8125 Stars Number of Votes: 16
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