Reviewed by Colin Jacobson (January 16, 2009)
It’s good to know some things never change. Back in my youth, Cinemax would run lots of cheesy movies that served little purpose other than to provide lots of hot naked women – and God help me, I loved them for that. I guess that situation remains the same, as 2008’s Bikini Royale debuted as a “straight to cable” production on Cinemax, and it certainly lives up to the babefests I recall from my younger days.
Apparently something of a sequel to 2007’s The Girl from BIKINI, Royale follows Tanya X (Beverly Lynne), an agent with the Bureau of International Knowledge and Nonstandard Investigations (BIKINI). She’s assigned to spy on wealthy Parker Savage (Evan Stone), and this means she wants to infiltrate his high stakes poker game since plenty of shady characters will be there. Included among these are representatives of evil genius Dr. Nyet (Monique Parent). Tanya has to follow the trail of secret documents at the game to ensure they don’t fall into the wrong hands.
When I requested Royale, I did so mostly because I figured I wouldn’t have anything better to review in mid-January. That’s a dead time for the DVD release schedule, so I thought I’d give it a shot. I expected little from it, as I expected a lame movie with a little T&A but nothing special.
In regard to the latter, I was wrong - really wrong. Based on my teen/young adult memories, “Skinemax” movies like this gave us decent amounts of boobs and butts but failed to deliver more revealing shots. Royale doesn’t fall into that category, as it offers copious amounts of full nudity.
I knew I was in for something more intense than expected right from the start. During the first scene, Tanya spies on a hot Latin lady as she pleasures herself in the shower. Right after that, Tanya gets naked too and they, um, enjoy each other’s company. I won’t lie: I was hooked. Plenty more scenes of this sort occupy the rest of the movie, so in terms of nudity and erotic action, Royale satisfies.
Well, it satisfies me, at least. If you want hardcore action, you won’t be as happy. Sure, Royale provides sex scenes, but they’re not graphic; you don’t see part “A” inserted into slot “B”, or whatever. If you want that kind of footage, you have to look elsewhere.
As for me, I like the film’s presentation of hard “R” material. I don’t particularly want to see graphic sex, but I like something more daring than just the boobs and butts I originally expected. Royale shows lots of good skin and seems very pleasing from that standpoint.
If we forget about the nudity, does it succeed as a movie? Nope. Obviously it uses the Bond flick Casino Royale as its direct inspiration, but that doesn’t mean it creates a successful parody. The plot makes very little sense – not that it matters. The story exists to get various characters into sex scenes, and that’s it.
If that’s good enough for you, you’ll like Royale. The plot goes nowhere and is never clever or funny. The acting ranges from decent – despite his steroid-abuser exterior, Stone shows mild talent – to terrible. Most of the actresses do little more than lift their eyebrows to “act”; most are hot – I especially like Charlie Laine – but not a one of them has any acting skill.
But Bikini Royale never purports to be a real movie, so none of this matters a whole lot. If you desire any interesting tale, you’ll not find it here. If you desire some interesting tail, you’ll be very happy with the film. It’s cheap and cheesy, but it delivers the requisite female nudity.