With a title like Satanic Panic, could the 2019 film possibly offer anything other than a comedic take on the horror genre? Nope, and that’s what we find from this affair.

In need of money, Sam Craft (Hayley Griffith) gets a job delivering pizza. Initially, this doesn’t go well, mainly because most of her orders take her to places that don’t tip.

Eventually, Sam gets sent to a mansion in a wealthy part of town. Alas, this ends the same way, as the recipients of her delivery stiff her.

Fed up, Sam demands a tip. This becomes a bad move, as she interrupts a satanic ceremony.

When the devil-worshipers realize that Sam retains her virginity, she becomes a prize to them. They abduct Sam for sacrificial purposes and leave her in the literal fight of her life.

Because I go into modern horror movies with low expectations, I can’t claim I figured I’d find anything special with Panic. That said, the premise seemed fun enough to attract me to the film, and I hoped it’d offer a lively diversion.

Alas, even the lowest expectations seem too high for this sub-mediocrity. Amateurish and dull, Panic offers no charm, wit or excitement.

Okay, that’s not totally true, as Griffith looks hot and she romps around in a revealing halter top for parts of the film. Other than her beauty, though, this becomes thin gruel.

All at once, Panic clearly thinks it’s both scarier and funnier than it is. The film can’t select a desired tone, so both the horror and the laughs fail to materialize.

All efforts in both regards seem ham-fisted and cheap. The whole product tends toward the cheesy side of the street, but not with any indie/low-budget charm.

Instead, Panic just feels like schlock. Everything about it comes across as amateurish, as the film consistently gives off a bargain basement sheen.

Even with known actors like Rebecca Romijn and Jerry O’Connell in tow, the performances come across as tacky and overdone. No one can pull off the stilted lines with any skill.

Even at a short 89 minutes, Panic feels slow and tedious. How could such a wild concept become so boring?

Satanic Panic appears in an aspect ratio of 1.85:1 on this Blu-ray Disc. The movie offered a pretty good transfer.

Overall definition seemed positive. Softness hit some wider shots, but most of the movie showed fairly nice delineation.

I witnessed no issued with shimmering or jagged edges, and edge haloes remained absent. No print flaws cropped up along the way.

Unlike most modern horror tales, Panic opted for a fairly natural palette. It did lean red at times, with orange/amber in nighttime shots, but the tints didn’t go too stylized. The hues worked fine for the material.

Blacks seemed dark, while shadows showed largely positive clarity, though they could feel a bit flat at times. This became a quality presentation much of the time,

Similar thoughts greeted the film’s DTS-HD MA 5.1 soundtrack. It went for a fairly atmospheric air, as the mix gave us logical accompaniment for the horror visuals.

This meant music popped up around the room and became somewhat dominant while effects remained mostly in the environmental realm. Violent scenes used the five channels in an active manner, though, and those added pizzazz to the proceedings.

Audio quality was good. Dialogue appeared natural and concise, while music showed nice range and impact.

Effects boasted positive punch and dimensionality, with deep low-end when necessary. Though not a killer mix, the audio fit the story.

Three featurettes pop up on the disc, and The Making of Satanic Panic runs six minutes, 29 seconds. It brings info from director Chelsea Stardust, screenwriter Grady Hendrix, and actors Hayley Griffith, Rebecca Romijn, Jerry O’Connell, Ruby Modine, Jordan Ladd, Arden Myrin and Jeff Daniel Phillips.

“Making” covers story and characters, cast and performances, the movie’s tone and influences. We find a pretty superficial overview.

Sam & Judi spans five minutes and involves Griffith, Modine, and Stardust. This clip offers a quick take on the two lead characters. A few minor insights emerge but most of it feels promotional.

Finally, Girl Power goes for three minutes, 26 seconds and boasts notes from Griffith, Romijn, Modine, and producers Amanda Presmyk and Dallas Sonnier. “Power” looks at how Stardust got the job and the heavily female nature of the cast and crew. It becomes another pretty fluffy reel.

The disc opens with ads for Puppet Master: The Littlest Reich, Mayhem and Another Wolf Cop. No trailer for Panic appears here.

Despite its potential to offer a giddy, wild mix of horror and comedy, Satanic Panic never turns into anything fun. Instead, it plods along and fails to deliver any cleverness or thrills. The Blu-ray offers generally positive picture and audio along with minor bonus materials. Panic flops.