In 2010’s Vampires Suck, the Twilight franchise comes up for mockery. Teenager Becca Crane (Jenn Proske) moves to a small Pacific Northwest town to live with her dad Frank (Diedrich Bader). There she discovers a spot seemingly fixated on vampires – and she starts to fall for fellow high school student, apparent bloodsucker Edward Sullen (Matt Lanter).

He’s not the only one with designs on Becca’s affection, though. Old family friend Jacob White (Christopher N. Riggi) wants her, too – and he also hides a supernatural secret. Both guys battle for Becca’s heart – and soul – as plenty of parody comes along for the ride.

Proof that I’m a masochist: the fact that I continue to watch movies written/directed by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Selzer. They’re the comedic geniuses behind Date Movie, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans and Disaster Movie. I loathed each and every second I spent with those pathetic attempts at entertainment – so why do I keep coming back for more?

Again: masochism? Or maybe a perverse desire to discover if Selzer and Friedberg will ever create a single humorous cinematic moment.

Nope – at least not today. Maybe their next adventure will finally produce something amusing, but nothing of the sort materializes in Suck.

Though I admit it’s not quite as horrible as its predecessors, perhaps because it’s less random. In the past, they threw out unconnected pop culture references every 20 seconds or so, whereas Suck sticks more closely to the Twilight template. Oh, it tosses us pointless links to Lady Gaga, Jersey Shore, Dear John and Alice in Wonderland, but in Suck, these references are the exception and not the rule. That’s a pleasant twist from the film’s predecessors.

Not that this means the viewer should expect actual cleverness. If you’re keeping score, you’ll notice that Suck provides a story that almost literally recaps the first two Twilight flicks. That’s the Selzer/Friedberg MO: they essentially recreate scenes from movies and simply alter them in minor ways. Whereas other S/F flicks mucked with a variety of sources, Suck just offered mild twists on Twilight sequences.

Usually this means slapstick. S/F mistake violence for humor. Sure, physical gags can be funny, but they require greater creativity to succeed. In Suck, slapstick comes at its most basic form. People get hit a lot and that’s it; there’s no skill or cleverness involved.

Of course, we get the usual array of scatological moments as well, and the filmmakers don’t bother with anything other than the most obvious puns. “Edward Cullen” becomes “Edward Sullen”. “Bella Swan” becomes “Becca Crane”. Bored yet?

At times, Suck does attempt some verbal humor, usually via self-knowing references to its influences. These tend to seem more sad than biting. Seriously, the guys who change “Jacob Black” to “Jacob White” have the audacity to criticize other filmmakers for cheesy and obvious work? Oy.

The three lead actors provide decent impersonations of the Twilight characters, but they show little to no comedic skill. The movie does boast more talented performers such as Bader, Dave Foley and Ken Jeong, but none of them can produce laughs with the swill they’re forced to spout. Jeong almost makes chicken salad out of this chicken… stuff, however; his quirky line readings occasionally threaten to prompt an actual chuckle or two.

Alas, those giggles never arrive. Vampires Suck does stand as the best Selzer/Friedberg spoof to date, but that’s the absolute definition of “faint praise”. It’s not quite as atrocious as its predecessors, but it’s another witless dud.

Vampires Suck appears in an aspect ratio of approximately 1.85:1 on this Blu-Ray Disc. The movie came with a rather lackluster transfer.

And one with some rough edges – literally. I saw a surprising amount of shimmering and some blockiness, qualities that I don’t expect from Blu-ray. Overall definition was decent but not great. Much of the movie demonstrated adequate delineation, though softness tended to intrude on wider shots.

No issues with edge haloes appeared, but grain was rather heavy for a new movie. This did seem to be an artifact of the original photography, but it still created distractions, as it gave the film a messy appearance not typical of a 2010 studio release. At least it came from from source flaws, as no specks, marks or other concerns occurred.

In terms of colors, Suck went with the standard Twilight Chilly Blue Tone. Brighter tones did emerged at times, but most of the hues were restrained. The colors appeared acceptable within the stylistic constraints. Blacks were mediocre, as they tended to be a little mushy, and shadows tended to seem somewhat thick. None of these issues were major, but they added up to a decidedly mediocre presentation.

Though not exceptional, the DTS-HD MA 5.1 audio of Suck worked better. Much of the track went with music and general ambience, but the vampire magic and slapstick added a bit of pizzazz. This meant a few elements that managed to flit from one channel to another, and the surrounds contributed decent activity as well. I couldn’t claim that anything exceptional occurred, but at least the spectrum opened in a fair manner.

Audio quality always satisfied. Music was bright and peppy, as the score and songs demonstrated nice breadth and richness. Effects were accurate and full, while speech showed nice clarity and natural tones. All of this was good enough for a “B”.

Don’t expect many extras here. The disc does provide both the theatrical and unrated extended cuts of the movie. The former runs 82:07, while the latter goes for 83:54. What do you find in the extra 107 seconds? I don’t know – I only watched the extended cut, so I can’t detail the changes. I suspect that the changes involved a bit more explicit sexual talk, but there’s nothing obvious like the full-frontal nudity in Epic Movie. Anyway, I wanted to mention that both cuts appear here.

Nine Deleted Scenes fill a total of 12 minutes, 20 seconds. We get “Becca’s Teen Angst Mix Extended” (1:12), “…Crappy Old Truck Parking Only” (0:36), “Active in Bed” (2:43), “Love Letter from John” (0:36), “Mexican Vampires” (1:02), “Anything to See Edward” (0:56), “Proactive Prom Queen” (1:17), “Daro and Edward: The Vermont Months” (3:29), and “Unexpected Reunion” (0:29). Most of these simply make short unfunny scenes into long unfunny scenes; to my shock, they seem even more tedious in their extended versions.

A few elements give us more of minor characters, with two additions to the movie’s pointless Dear John reference. We do see a long rant from Ken Jeong; he’s the only part of the movie that borders on funny, so these moments have more merit than the others.

Note that “Mexican Vampires” shows a more charged version of a scene in the final movie. I guess the filmmakers were afraid to describe Mexicans as lazy, etc., as they changed it to “Canadians” in the final cut. The deleted scene shows the original use of Mexicans and also lasts longer. While not PC, the “Mexicans” edition makes more sense in the joke’s context.

Next comes a Gag Reel. Across its three minutes, 51 seconds, we see the standard array of goofs and giggles. If that works for you, have a blast!

A few ads open the disc. We get clips for Machete, The A-Team, and Wild Target. We also find the trailer for Suck as well as a Sneak Peeks for Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps and Cyrus.

A second disc provides a Digital Copy of Suck. It allows you transfer the movie to a computer or iWhatever. Laugh it up, fuzzball!

To date, Aaron Selzer and Jason Friedberg have directed five movies. To date, Aaron Selzer and Jason Friedberg have created five perfectly awful films. Vampires Suck seems less horrifying than its four predecessors, but it remains consistently, thoroughly terrible. The Blu-ray comes with mediocre visuals, good audio and a minor set of supplements. Unless you’re as big a masochist as I, stay far away from this feeble attempt at comedy.